This is where I am at, no hiding. I started a business at the end of last year because I didn’t want to do work I don’t like for minimum wage. I have done lots of random jobs, from street cleaner, to sales executive, to manager of a not for profit, to youth worker.
I have tried and failed in business a couple of times before too. I had a natural therapies clinic in Byron Bay, I got caught up in the promises of an MLM, I briefly set up shop as a building sustainability assessor and I had a web development & online marketing business.
My current business is another online marketing and web development consultancy, I am also working with my 18 year old son on a new venture too. I do good work and I have clients that are happy, but I feel like a fraud most of the time. Like everything is about to come crumbling down around me and everyone will see how shit I really am.
I suffer from anxiety and depression, and I am so tired of hiding it.
Hiding has only made things worse, I was so afraid to admit I was struggling that I put off seeking help. My business is in a financial hole right now because I let my anxiety get to the point where I am afraid to speak to prospective clients.
I am seeing a psychologist now, and it is helping. It is also helping just to be honest and admit I am struggling. To talk about the things I am ashamed of. To get some perspective and realise I am very hard on myself. I am trying to be kinder to myself and see that I am doing well.
I have had some pretty intense situations throughout my life. The highlights include:
I have tried to gloss a lot of bad stuff over. Make up stories about it all that simplify the last 19 years of my life. A few anecdotes that paint me in the best possible light.
I have tried to run away with drugs and alcohol.
I have tried to pick myself up and put a smile on my face and do what I thought I had to do to make up for how messed up I felt inside. To not disappoint my friends and family. To not disappoint my inner ruthless critic.
Tried to “be positive”, “get on with it”, “not let my past define my present” all the while attempting to patch the cracks in my facade with fear and shame.
Now I am trying to be honest. To myself and to the world. It is an experiment.
Things I am grateful for today:
The Whole Mess